Oil In My Lamp

January 1, 2010. Happy Birthday Mom!

This blog is written in extreme gratitude to my dear family, extended family, friends and especially my caring Heavenly Father and my Friend, Brother, and Savior Jesus Christ, who have all carried me through this past year.

2009 was quite a year. It started with the funeral of my mother who died in late December. My father had died 6 months earlier. Then my daughter's husband died, leaving her with three sons and no life insurance. Then my youngest son's wife left him, and because of her difficult situation and finances couldn't take their four children. My son had to stop working evenings and weekends because he needed to watch the kids and couldn't afford to pay his mortgage. So he and the children moved in with me while we worked on renting out his condo to help pay for the mortgage. It didn't rent. I put quite a bit of money into fixing it up and it still didn't rent. After several months he eventually moved back in but is still struggling with his mortgage and making enough money to pay for babysitters while he works long hours.

I left my employment and started my own practice in August, which I had been planning for awhile, and didn't have an income while we paid start-up costs. Then my middle son's wife left him and she came from San Diego to Utah to be with her parents while she worked things out, and he left a good job to come up here to be close to his children, and is looking for a job. Then the business I owned with my oldest son failed, leaving a very large debt, and him looking for work with 6 children to support.

I felt in my heart to assist my children who were struggling, emotionally and financially, and was able to do so for awhile, but then my new business did not bring an income as quickly as we expected it to (true of all new businesses), and I ran out of money and couldn't pay my own bills and the heavy debt from the failed business.

But this is written not to disclose my weaknesses and those of my family, but to show that all of us are going through problems and difficulties right now. Everyone I talk to is going through serious struggles, whether in their relationships, financial situation, illness--physical or emotional, etc.

I believe in the Law of the Harvest--what we sow we shall reap. So I was pondering on why life seems to have been so difficult this year, and what I have been sowing that would reap such results. And while learning the lessons of many mistakes made, the Lord also opened my mind to the myriad of blessings I have received this year. I have truly been enriched this year. I was given to know that this past year was to assist me in filling my lamp with oil.

The parable of the Ten Virgins tells how ten virgins were waiting for the bridegroom. When he finally came, 5 of them had not prepared well enough and didn't have enough oil in their lamps to attend the wedding procession. There have been many interpretations of what this parable means, and what kind of preparation is needed to fill our lamps as we await the coming of the Bridegroom and deal with the difficult times that are upon us and what may be coming in the future.

My lamp has been filled this year in the following ways:
1. A stronger faith that I am not alone. As I would pray about my difficult financial situation, I would be led to the scripture in Matthew 6: "Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns: yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not better than they?" And "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?"

Over and over again, even though I wouldn't know how I was going to pay my next bill, the Lord would promise me He would take care of me. And He did, mostly through other people. Every time it was important, some money showed up to pay the next bill. My sister started a part-time job and has been sending me all of her income every two weeks. My brothers have sent checks as gifts. A great friend paid for some of my property taxes and sent extra payments on a car he had bought from me because he knew I needed the money. Some unexpected money came in from my parent's estate. My business partner paid money out to me without taking any herself so both I and the business could keep going. My middle son, while looking for a better job, has come in to help us organize our business and make it profitable. The Lord has touched the hearts of so many, many people, and they have responded and truly blessed my life.

2. A greater knowledge that all is in Divine Order. So often, when I was concerned about my children or grandchildren, or myself for various reasons, the Lord would fill my heart with peace and a knowledge that whatever was happening was for our best good, and to accept whatever came. I came to have an incredible peace in my heart that even if there was no one to assist me, and I lost everything, all would be well and I could find joy, peace and happiness. I came to a peaceful knowledge that God and angels were watching over my children, their spouses and my grandchildren; that each was learning the lessons they came here to learn; that they didn't come to have perfect lives but to learn through their experiences, and that we were all learning the lessons of repentance and forgiveness, what love truly is, and trusting more in the atonement of the Savior.

3. A greater knowledge that I WILL be able to handle whatever comes because the Lord WILL strengthen me. There is often a lot of anxiety and fear over the future. We don't know what may be coming and if we will be able to handle it. I came to know that these difficult things I have gone through and am going through now are teaching me how God strengthens me to meet the challenges I am given. I never thought I could survive my house burning down, going through medical school with six children, dealing with some of the problems I have dealt with in my children, going through an unwanted divorce, surviving on my own, losing my parents, having no money, etc.; but I have. Through each challenge, I have been strengthened to meet it. Often in the middle of the challenge I didn't feel strong, and often felt like giving in and giving up, but looking back on each event, I can see how I was carried through, time and time again.

4. A greater faith in the Atonement of my Savior. I have made many, many mistakes. But through the Love and Mercy extended to me, the Lord has paid for them and helps me through the affect they have had on me and those around me. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden [through your own mistakes], and I will give you rest." The perfect plan has been created so that I can learn through my own choices and experiences, and can learn by experiencing the results of my own weaknesses and the weaknesses of those around me, and as I lean on Him and have faith in His atoning Love the burdens that come upon me because of those choices and weaknesses are lightened, and I become stronger and more able to make better choices; to choose love, light, wisdom, trust, joy and peace because I have learned what it feels like when I choose the opposite.

"Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" -Helen Keller

I trust in the Lord with all my heart. I lean not unto mine own understandings. In all my ways I acknowledge Him, and He directs my paths.

Until we meet again,
Dr. Judi

The Circle of Life

Another wonderfully enchanting new grand-daughter was born 2 weeks ago, Eden Rebecca Moore. The circle of life continues. This last year I lost both of my parents and a father-in-law, and 3 new grandbabies joined our family. They are coming and going; coming into a new adventure and going into a greater one!

Sometimes there is anxiety as I consider the world these precious babies are coming into. My parents lived through wars, my father fought in World War II, but they were "The Greatest Generation." The world today is changing rapidly. The wars are different, seemingly never ending, with no winners or losers. The increase in crime, drugs, loss of moral virtues, financial crises, pollution of the air, water and earth, increasingly alarming amounts of chemicals in our food, global warming, breakdown of families, extensive abuse--all of this causes wonder as to how these little ones are going to survive what we and our ancestors have created. And with all of these problems, how can even we survive to take care of them as they grow and learn? What if we get robbed, go bankrupt, lose our home, have to go to war, etc.? With our own issues and anxiety how can we appropriately raise our children? What will happen to these little ones if we are not capable to care for them?

This is a time of anxiety--a time when men's hearts are failing them, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Anxiety disorders are the most common emotional disorders in the United States, with at least 40 million adults over 18 affected, almost 1/5th of the population! And the numbers are growing. Medication seems to help in the beginning, but often over time the anxiety overrides the effect of the medication and worsens. Large numbers of children are also being medicated for anxiety.

There is a basic cause of anxiety, and that is lack of trust in the process of life. We have had what we consider to be negative experiences in our lives, and we expect to continue to have negative experiences. Because of the patterns created in our brains because of those negative experiences, our thoughts dwell on the negative rather than on the things we DO have, the positive things we are doing and that are happening in our lives. That which we focus on then expands. There is a saying, "The greatest pain comes from comparing what we don't have with what others have." The thing is, we usually don't compare what we have with what others don't. Our brains get stuck in the negativity rut.

Tragedy, stress, severe loss of some kind happens in all lives. But when we spend our thoughts reminding ourselves of past tragedies and loss, and preparing for future tragedy or loss, anxiety results. The past and the future are just in our mind. They do not exist. The past is clouded by the filters of our inaccurate memory, and no longer exists in the present. The future is simply in our imagination, and the fears that come are often lies. The only way to get out of anxiety is to live in the present.

When our house burned down, the fire set by my five year old son hiding under his bed because he knew he wasn't supposed to play with the lighter, I learned some important lessons that have truly reduced the anxiety in my life.

First I learned that possessions mean nothing. Yes, baby books and photographs and sentimental things were also lost, but really, they are just memories of this temporary world. My family was alive and unharmed, except emotionally. What is a house and things compared to that? Now, in the present, when finances make it so there is a possibility that in the future I might lose some of my things or even my house, there is no anxiety. Possessions are just things. Yes, my life will change, but things are just things, money is just money, and happiness can be found without either.

Second, I learned that change is always for the good, if we choose to see it that way. Change is something that is always present and yet we tend to fight it the most. Change of job, of living quarters, the city where we live, births, illness, deaths, our changing body, divorce, financial status, emotional state can all create anxiety. We often see change as hard or negative, and therefore fear the changes of the future. Anxiety results as we fight change, rather than embrace it as good. I have found the old adage to be true: "When God closes a door He opens a window." I just have to be patient, looking for that window, and when I find it, through it will always be a cloud shining with a silver lining.

Third, I learned that life is about learning to love, and to do that, life is about relationships, and relationships are always changing, and that is how we learn to love. When we moved out of our burnt house while it was being rebuilt, the family dynamics changed. Problems arose between us that have taken years to work through. But it also set each of us on a journey that is teaching us to love without expectation, to forgive by letting go of pain, by allowing change in each other, even if it brings crisis in the moment. This is the only way we can grow in our relationships, is allowing each person to go through their changes, whether they appear positive or negative, and learn to love them anyway.

Fourth, I learned that it doesn't matter what it looks like. We often are very stuck and have great anxiety over what others think of us. We had lived in that beautiful house for a little over a year before the fire, but I was ashamed of it because much of our furniture was still from yard sales or hand-me-downs, gotten while my husband was still in school. My husband was starting his business and I was in medical school with a high tuition, and we didn't have the money to fix up our beautiful house, that we bought in foreclosure, the way I wanted to, the way I wanted to show off to the world. As we sifted through our smokey belongings, the people helping us were able to see what junk we really had. But I realized that it didn't matter what anyone else thought. We were doing the best we could, and that is all God expects of us. We had few clothes for a while, and had to wear the same things frequently, and sometimes two days in a row until we could get a washer we could use. But it didn't matter. We were safe, we were doing the best we could, it just didn't matter any more.

And the silver lining...after letting go of possessions, of the fear of change, of needing things to look a certain way, our house was fixed up brand new and shining, with new furniture, carpet, drapes, paint, and everything because of the insurance! Our house ended up so beautiful that friends jokingly asked to borrow our five year old son!

We left that wonderful house as change came into our lives, moving to a new state. We built a new one. I lost that house through divorce. Now I'm living my idyllic life in a log cabin. Lots of changes. Might I lose this home once again? I pray not, but I accept that change can still happen, and I trust the process of life enought to know that if I lose it, it will be for my best good.

When we can trust that God is good, and can make good out of every situation, then we can begin to trust the process of life. It's good to heal from the past and be prepared for the future, but to spend the majority of time living in either place brings anxiety. Anxiety is a lack of faith, a lack of trust. We cannot grow in faith if we live in fear. By focusing on the positive, by acknowledging our successes and the successes of those around us, by trusting that whatever happens it will be for our and our loved ones best good, by trusting that God loves us and our loved ones more than we can know how to love, and that He isn't abandoning any of us, we can move out of fear, out of anxiety, into the peace of the present.

This isn't always easy to reach this peace when our brain has been patterned in fear from childhood. But it IS possible, with time and effort, to change those patterns and learn to live in trust and love.

Then we can find joy in the Circle of Life.

Until we meet again,

Dr. Judi